A Work in Progress

2010-12-31T10:58:00.001-08:00

You've been playing with my heart for way to long and its over now
I will no longer allow you to drain every ounce of happiness i have like you did for so long
You made me happy at certain times, but when i look back, i can tell it was just a charade.
I really cant believe i trusted YOU with my heart.
I was looking for something entirely different, but i tried to overlook the many times you hurt me.
I'm exhausted from your lies
"I Love You" was my favorite lie you told me
I dont think you know how much it means to a girl when she hears it
you would throw those three little words around as if they didnt mean a thing
Im here to tell you they have a significant meaning
You should be careful who you say them to,
cause they might just believe you...
the third time you randomly popped back into my life, I thought it could work at first
then you started showing the same signs as last time
i wouldnt hear from you in Days and the next time we talked it was as if i was the only one you thought about
let me tell you, you had me believing in you
you had me thinking it was really gonna work this time
i put everything i had into it while you were too busy to notice
all of a sudden you were busier than ever before
when the day came to see if we were going to finally make everything work,
you acted as if you didnt even care
i was so frustrated with you, it drove me INSANE!!!
I cried for Three Hours STRAIGHT
and as i was laying in my pool of tears
I thought ," Why do i like to hurt myself like this?"
"Why would i give You another chance?"
"If he doesnt care enough to talk to me every so often, then why do i even try?"
It's Not worth my tears or my time
It hurts really bad to let you go, but I Am
I am letting you go your own way and i will no longer stand in your way
you picked what was most important to you all those other times so i deserve to pick my own way.
I'm not going to lie, I do still care about you dearly, and I will sincerely miss you, but its time for me to let you go, I ve been holding on too long
I know for a fact that I am hurting wayyyy more than you right now,
I know this for a fact because when i said i couldn't be with you anymore, your response was short and it even included a smiley face..wow..
thats all you had to say..it hurt to know that i didnt mean a thing to you
you weren't the least bit upset..
It will take me a while to get over you, even though you can't say the same
All i have to remember you by is the letters i wrote to you,
letters i Never gave you
I think i will go lock them in a chest and throw away the key
I guess this is goodbye
Sincerely, Anna Beth

Is this Real?

2010-11-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

Once, Twice, Third time's the charm?
You've deceived me twice already
Should I really trust you a third time?
You've brought back some mixed feelings
It's a strange type of feeling
It's like I am falling from a skyscraper
Are you going to be there to catch me?
If so, prove it.
Show me Your gonna be there
Why not do something for me once in a while
Like actually CARE how I feel
Or will your Pride get in the way?
Can You just Be Real for once?
Don't be like the others
I mean, Is it really gonna matter in the end?
NO
So Why does it matter now?
You can answer that yourself
I'm gonna be my True self
If you want a happy Life I suggest You do the Same

2010-11-22T11:44:00.000-08:00

You are like a Magician
You ask me to be your volunteer for your act
I feel special, that you would pick Me out of a giant crowd of people
I hesitate but you hypnotize me with your charm
You instruct me to get inside a box
You tell me that you are going to put knives in the slots in the box
You tell me the knives won't really hurt me
I believe you
You place the first knife in the box, but you lied to me,
It did hurt
When the act was done you disappeared
You were nowhere to be found
You Forgot to get me out of the box
You left me when I needed you the most
I tried and tried to get out of the box
And when I finally opened the lid,
you reappeared, and slapped the box shut again
It seems as if I'm never going to get out

Im Free

2010-07-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

i was once so caught up in you..u sprinkled a little of your charm on me and had me at hello..and u knew it..u were playing me and you didnt even care..i was soo stupid to think that you actually cared..you tore me apart and brought me farther and farther away from God.. you made me believe that you would always be there for me when in fact you were only there until a better looking girl came along..you make me sick and im disgusted at your games...i cant believe i fell for your tricks...i will be praying for you even though i dont like what happened between us ..im glad i got to go through it because believe it or not it has made me stronger...God put me through that for a reason..now i am going to work on my relationship with God and he will put Mr. Right in my life when its the right time.

Struggles

2010-07-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

First of all, ive never really done a blog before.. i'm doing this to share the struggles that i have faced..i have recently went on a mission trip and to a conference..these two trips have changed my life forever for the good :)... At first i didnt really wanna go on these trips..i thought they would be just like the other church trips, but indeed they were not!..they were sooo Amazing and taught me sooo much...i probably need to mention the many struggles before these trips..well for about two years i have been hanging with the WRONG crowd...the only reason i did was because they always got all the attention..i craved that attention even though i am quite shy.. i loved being in the spotlight with them..i recently learned that the attention they were receiving was negative attention..but when i was with them i felt like i was so cool.. i wanted to be like them even though i knew i wasnt being true to myself...they would do things that i NEVER thought i would see in my life...i would sit silently and watch them..even though i never took part in these things, im just as bad by sitting there and letting it happen..i kept telling myself, oh im not doing it so im okay..ill just sit here..well it got to the point where i had to tell SO Many lies to all those who loved me.. one lie turned into a giant web of lies..i would lie about everything to my parents and loved ones and now it makes me want to cry when i think about all the lies i told...at night i would think about everything and how i got away with so much.. it began to eat me up..i was so stupid and i am ashamed of myself for letting this go on for so long..another distraction that tore me apart was a guy...when i met this guy i fell head over heels for him...i would change my plans just so i could spend some time with him, even if it was just a few minutes..i would skip church sometimes to go see him..when he called to ask me to go somewhere i would drop everything to go with him..i would also forget about my schoolwork...i started to make bad grades and i wouldnt care..i spent about a year trying to make our realtionship work..i spent literally every minute of every day thinking about him...when we stopped seeing each other i still tried to fix it..i knew he wasnt a good guy when i met him, but he was popular and good looking..i came to find out that he was one of the biggest players in my school..i saw him with girls everywhere he went...one time when we were supposed to be "talking" i saw him hugged up on another girl..i confronted him about it and found out that he was actually "talking" to her..needless to say i cried myself to sleep that night..i fell into a sea of agony..i gave my whole heart to this guy and he just crushed it...i would cry myself to sleep many a night...i thought i was never gonna get over him... so with him and my bad friends i was being torn apart..it also began to take a physical toll on me too...i have experienced some anxiety attacks and had to go to the ER...i was at the lowest point possible and i didnt think i was ever going to get out..it got a little better as the days went on but i still felt like something was missing, like i was empty.....until these trips..in Cherokee, i learned so many things about my relationship with God...I was saved at a young age and my relationship with God was just okay, and when i got in high school it got worse, but the Cherokee trip helped me see that i dont need to focus so much on being popular and worldly things, but i need to keep my focus on God...i didnt know i was going to Student Life till the day before they left..my parents were worried about money, but obviously it was meant for me to go because they found the money...i got so much from the speaker Louie and the worship leader Chris..i learned that sin doesnt make you bad, it makes your soul dead..i was dead in sin , but now im forever alive in Christ..Jesus rescued me and to him belongs the HIGHEST PRAISE!...this year is going to be different and i WILL take a stand...God's not done with me yet!..greater things are still to come